Saturday, December 18, 2010
There have been many times in my life that I have said that I just couldn't take anymore. My mother passing away, losing a baby, many breakups and tired points in my life. Each time my heart would break and somehow God sealed it shut again and healed it. When you are in those times you feel like life could never change, that things in turn could never be good again. It is only when we look back at those time that we can see what God has done through our own pain and anguish. Some might call this refining and while I see the similarities all pain is not refinement. Some pain is just pain or part of living in this broken world. Refinement is done on a heart level and it can have nothing to do with your physical surroundings.
This last year has taught me that you can take nothing for granted, not health, employment, housing, security, or future. All of these things are like dust in the wind, blown away when the storms of life come to us. My oldest daughter, beautiful and pure, a young women full of sweetest and light has suffered tremendously this year with her health and state of mind. It really became serious rather quickly, one week we are looking at colleges or mission trips and the next week she is suicidal and in the hospital. Shock is the only word to describe how I felt. My baby was lost in the darkness and I had no way to pull her back to the light. She spent 5 days in the hospital and was released to our care, we had no way to care for her. She was being swallowed by something so big and we felt helpless to help her. Meanwhile my husband was fired from his job, a job that he cared about, a job that we all felt was what God had called us to do. This snowballed into loss of income, foreclosure of our home and we were left homeless. We packed up our things and moved to Florida to live with my in laws. A blessing not to be on the street but still those things that had just happened had lasting effects on us. My family now questioning their faith, the church, the future now in Florida without any direction, treading water. I am still too close to the situation to see what God is doing through it. It still hurts, we are all still processing the information and trying to make sense of it all. So 2010 was a hard year for all of us here, I have never been so happy to see 2011 come because I know in my heart it will be better than last year, it is my rainbow filled with trusting in God's promises.